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despair

I am drowning. Possibly in a hell of my own making. Well I know it is. Why do I open my heart? Why do I try? Why do people run around, so trusting, so gullible in an endless web, when there can be only one conclusion?

I was a believer of love once. Once upon a time ago. I am not anymore. I have forgotten what I am supposed to be doing. I thought he was out there, waiting for me, wishing for me, wanting me. But it was a joke. The cruelest kind. The one that takes your heart from inside your chest and rips it from your throat. I cannot describe this gut wrenching pain that I feel. I am lost, forgotten, thrown away.

People do things to find themselves. They go through their own trials and tribulations shutting others out. How does it feel to have a door slammed in your face time and time again? Welcome to my life. I am so so stupid. Did I really think with my track record, and what God had in store for me that I would find true love? Am I that dumb? Nothing is stopping me from taking a knife or a gun to my head and blowing my pathetic brains out. Love. How dumb and stupid one has to be to believe in such things.

I am bitter. A bitter old woman that has been shaped by all the disappointments. I can’t even blame the bipolar. No this is reality. This is what people go through when you sit and stare at your phone for hours on end. Why the fuck does this happen? Why am I not good enough?  I am screaming on the inside for a resolution. For a way to resolve this hell of my own making. I am done pretending. Pretending to be something I am not. I will shut down and just shut everyone out. I will slam those doors now. Don’t bother me. Don’t bother calling me, messaging me, emailing me, whatever. I am so finished.

I cannot describe this pain. But this is for you out there, all you unrequited ones. You are my comfort, you are my solace. For those of you that have wrapped yourself in a ball and cried in your pillow like I am going to do tonight. For those of you that are going to cry yourself to sleep tonight. I am here with you. I feel your pain. That gut wrenching abyss that you fall in. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I don’t want you. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to be a part of this.

Let me die slow and disappear. This is my last post.

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