Well its been more than a week since I posted something, due to the fact that I have had a lack of inspiration that I once had, and that things are “picking” up and I have really nothing to whine and complain about. However this post, is primarily for me and letting go of Mr. M. I think the amount of men that have gone in and out of my life for the past few months is record breaking, from the Guitarman to The Literary, I have learned to open my heart once again.
Things couldn’t be more difficult economically right now. I myself am feeling the grips of my wallet getting smaller every month as its my Dad’s birthday, I need gas for my car and groceries to eat and I have less than enough to cover all that. It’s hard for everyone I think especially Mr. M. who my heart goes out to. He has decided to remain quiet on his part, which leaves me devastated but relieved in a way. I don’t know what to do to be honest, and as things heat up between me and “The Astronomer” I can’t help but feel guilty. Yet another man has come into my life.
I feel conflicted, lost, but somehow I am nodding my head going, “It wasn’t meant to be” Mr. M taught me to look at myself hard in that mirror, and accept who I was and in so doing so I have become a much brighter and more positive person in such a short period of time. Knowing he is suffering breaks my heart, but he chooses to do what most men do and that’s “suffer in silence,” and that can’t be helped. But I am no longer waiting by the phone, waiting for my heart to jump at a text from him wanting to talk to me. That time has passed. I am focusing more on the wonderful book he recommended to me and spending time putting my resume out there to get myself a temp job before this move (another wonderful suggestion from him).
But its time to let go. Let go of that dream. The obsessiveness has left me, and the sleeping has gotten much better. I am still tired a lot, but I am surviving. I am at a crucial crossroads now where my sexuality is in high gear and my literary skills are being tested most joyfully. I have found a master of the “written word” and I am enjoying every moment of it. Although I feel guilty, I know its what is written in the stars, literally. Things don’t happen by accident for me, and I know how to follow the signs. I will let things play out and see how they turn out, but I think its basically the end of the road here. I haven’t let the bipolar conquer me, I have let it subside into the darkness where it belongs. Just don’t know what to do next as my sexuality is peaking and the loss is palpable but the next chapter is already being written.