It’s by accident I met him. As with all the others. But what I wonder about this situation is that I have a very good feeling it won’t crash and burn. Mr. M has shown me things that I couldn’t possibly have imagined, and where as I became obsessed with my past two “lovers” I don’t see that happening with him. I am doing things again. I am reading, I am writing at least one or two times a day. My sleep still needs correcting, but that will work itself out in due time.
The one thing I have to say though, online dating has taught me that not every situation will work out. There have been doubts flaring up in my mind. “Will I be good enough?” and so forth. While my fears stop me from entering into the “real world” being online has taught me that people are people, whether they are online or not. There is a person sitting behind the screen. Now what that person decides what to do with themselves is totally up to them; ie: be a liar, bigot, or all around nasty person, or of course which all of us hope, is be a real genuine person. Real genuine people are hard to come by. As I have learned with the wonderful people in my life, it wasn’t by a “Fools Chance” we met. It was Fate.
I have been struggling with the notion of “God” for quite sometime. I have no doubt he exists, but the path he wants me to lead, well that’s hidden from me. Tonight, I have God in my heart because of all the joy that has come into my life. So much unnecessary heartache has happened, not only because I was foolish, but because I am too gullible. I am a romantic at heart, and I often get swept up in the moment. Mr. M is grounding, very logical and obviously a man of deep passion and conviction. I hope to unlock more of his wonderful mystery as things progress, but I go into it with a positive outlook.
Many would say “be cautious, be weary, things are often too good to be true” and although that is the case many, many times, I have come to the conclusion as to why things fail. Guitarman taught me that lesson. I never forget what he told me in our last conversation: “You admire the “idea” of me. You build up in your head the good traits about me and ignore my flaws to make your perfect man” This kind of setup happens a lot in online dating. Those initial flirty texts, the butterflies of something new, the “perfect mate” built up in our head. Then when the real person comes along you’re inherently disappointed because “your vision” isn’t exactly what they are. Everyone says it, meet first, see if there is chemistry before you fall all in. Where that method is solid and valid, you are still meeting as Chris Rock says “their representative” What they think YOU would like them to be. The whole thing is a joke to be honest, from the first judgment with the picture you saw on their dating profile, to the last judgment when you walk away from the date thinking “that sucked.”
With Mr. M I don’t feel that pretension. That idea that his online persona is just what I have built up in my head. The man is cautious, sometimes stubborn, but it is only for my benefit. Two people make a relationship work over time, and don’t get me wrong long distance IS in fact very difficult, and has a very low success rate. But as a gambling woman I put my stakes in the odds. I am not going to sit here and justify to you that I can actually fall in love with someone I have never met. What I am going to say is, out of all the possible outcomes of a situation so precarious, why not just shut hell the up with the negativity and enjoy the ride? I am one who never plays by the rules. Yeah sure, it did bite me in the ass. But my ass is juicy so I have plenty more cushion to be bitten again! I am not taking life so seriously, I can’t. Its not the destination its the journey. People always say that in a patronizing way because they have no idea what the hell they are talking about. People always think of the destination not the journey and they themselves become the biggest hypocrite. I am a dreamer, and I truly believe that I am having a good time getting to know Mr. M. and all this over analyzing over something that is beautiful is the wrong thing to do. No I won’t let myself. I am a believer in love dammit, and where insurmountable odds stack against me I laugh, laugh at the whole thing as I enjoy my life to the fullest and the utmost it can be. Where others have failed I WILL succeed. That level of blind optimism has led to my downfall before, but if I didn’t fall how was I expected to get up and enjoy something greater? Something purer? Something for once, that actually makes sense.
I’m going on that ride. I am laughing at the odds. I am living, not hiding. I am finally being seen.