Now I am a sinner. Very much so. I enjoy sex and lust and passion. But does that make me evil? I thought about my last blog post, and although I thank the Literary for coming into my life and showing me brave new truths, I forgot to thank the Master himself. I haven’t talked to God in years. I don’t think I ever have. I am not one for religions, and through my delusional states I have seen Jesus, but “they” have called it “mental illness.”
Was it really though? Were all the times that God actually spoke back to me just “mental illness?” That’s what I was told to believe. Now on pills and stable for 8 months, I have come to realize that HE was actually speaking to me. He saved me many times. Drunken nights, shitty one night stands, car accidents, and a mess of unholy hell I delivered onto people in my life that I thought were friends. Now I am not going to sit here and preach to anyone reading this. I am far from a “believer” only because my faith has been rippled from my mind and I was “told” what to believe. But its my choice after all.
Look, my blog is about my journey. Yes it will involve sex, depression, guilt, sin and all sort of unholy things. But you know what? I am not ashamed of it. Because God does love me, or I wouldn’t be here. Did you know I tried to take my life? Yes, it was 12 years ago. I was but a young 24 year old, desperately in love with an older man. Love. What a funny thing that is. It will rip out your soul one minute, and put it straight back in your heart the next. But I digress, this man I loved so deeply was an unrequited love. A man who used me, threw me out like garbage and who made me believe that I was the biggest, fattest most ugliest thing in the universe, when I had never been more beautiful. This is the man I tried to take my life over.
Why reflect on this now? Because I am fatter and uglier and 12 years older and wiser. I don’t go out and I don’t socialize much out in the “real” world. Mostly because that’s what I chose. But what I DO have, is a family that loves me. A mother and father who watched their daughter destroy her life and welcomed me back into their home with open arms. Who am I kidding? I always had a room in their home just for me. Who else can say that they are so lucky? I have a sister, although I don’t see her much these days, (hardworking young woman with a boyfriend and very healthy social life and her whole life ahead of her), that loves me unconditionally, and the moments I spend with her are priceless. I have riches beyond anything in this life. I am cared for, I am loved. I have all my needs met. I may not have much money, but can money really buy me happiness? Sure it can if I had it. I would get surgery to make me skinnier, products to make my thinning hair thicker, but that’s all on the outside. The inside is so much richer. I have people in my life now that appreciate my mind, my quirkiness, my wit and my charm based not what I look like but WHO I AM. These are the most intense enriching relationships I have ever had. And it is through the grace of God that it came to be.
Do I believe in Jesus? Sure I do. But as a man. A man that walked this Earth 2,000 years ago that had a message to everyone about peace and loving yourself and mankind. And it was through kindness that you will find love, and it is through love you will find Him. I don’t need to go to church. I don’t need to search. I have a soul within me, that has been tortured and drugged. Beaten and desecrated. But it lives on. And through the Literary I will let my creative juices flow and let my gift of word and language finally be shared and recognized and appreciated.
So thank you God. Thank you for all you have given me. And thank you for reading my letter tonight.