He’s on me. My eyes bloodshot and plagued with no sleep. He haunts me in my dreams. I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t seem to take it either. He’s rolling around my brain. I haven’t spoken to him in days. He fled. Good riddance right? Yeah good riddance. Dashing thoughts of a distant memory creep into my head as I struggle to keep my eyes open. I want to sleep. I want to slumber for years, so I can let this life past me.
This is not living. Every day I get up to the same routine. I don’t want anyone’s advice at how “to make my life better” and more enriching. I want to wallow in this madness. That which burns my chest like a hole under the barrel of a gun. For a moment a brief moment I felt what it was like to be in love again, and damn it felt good. Sure I “love” people and have friends, but to be intimately in love is a whole different story.
That clock is about to strike 5 pm as I slowly crawl out of bed. You know I am going back in that hole right? Goddamn this man. This impossible dream that’s headed no where but to the inevitable path. That pain I carry, well I came face to face with a destitute man who shares my pain. The pain of feeling worthless and small, the pain of being nothing to no one, the pain of losing everything and feeling that you are the saddest excuse for a human being. I am here in that place. I hear that damn guitar ringing in my head, and I am thinking “I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me” The soft chords of the ballad of a classic.
I stroke my own hair and touch my skin. They are on fire like the heat outside. I stare up blankly to the ceiling and think, this is it God. This is what you have given me. All hope is lost. I have NOTHING. I am NOTHING. I sit here and I let the obsession take me over. I close my eyes and imagine our bodies entwined in passion and heat unmatched by the sexiest of lovers. I can see him. I am obsessed. Obsessed with a dream. An intimate stranger dancing with my heart strings. Jumping up and down on them is more like it.
Each day flows into the other. I am gonna lockdown. Shut myself off. I am going to die inside because its the only way to get over him. Damn you and your guitar. My equal. My mirror across the country. Shine with me now as I drown in sin, and all chance of all hope will vanish like the passing of a star. I once rivaled a supernova, now I am just a white dwarf. Lay me down at the universe’s feet as I have been beaten by life. What this man showed me was a glimpse into my own future. Where no hope and desolation lie. Please I am begging the Almighty, let that not my fate. Please oh dear Father in Heaven let that not be my fate.