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tearWhat do you fear my lady?  “A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.” Such a beautiful quote and such a true one. I haven’t begun to realize the weight of the pressures that lay before me. I am on the wrong side of 36. For women that’s a death sentence. I have no hope for the future, no man in my life, no beautiful home, no kids to call my own, and no career to top it all off. All I have are my words and  they mean so much to me.

I sank into the bowels of depression. I abuse melatolin because I want to sleep and not wake up and face this life. I cried tonight. I haven’t shed a single tear in what feels like months. I don’t know where it came from exactly, but I know it was thanks to a dear friend who i have an unmistakable bond with.  I am afraid.  I am a coward. I don’t want to face this life.  I don’t want to move. I don’t want to look for a job anymore and face the world. I want to sink and be forgotten because I hardly think I am worth remembering.  This is what it feels like.  This thing, this monster called depression. I feel uncomfortable just writing it because I know I am not depressed, I am just a coward.

This life has such great joy and hope. Such marvelous things that people enjoy and come together for. They go out, they do things, they enjoy the world. I have $40.00 in my bank account.  What I spent it all on I don’t know. I cut off ties with the only spiritual people I know because they were draining the life out of me, and my bank account.  What is it to be spiritual?  Do you hear God? Does he speak to you?  I am at a loss for prayer at the moment.

I have struggled too long in the abyss of despair, where the ice cold hand of reality brushes my cheek in the warm air of summer and lets me know how incredible small I really am. To understand why I feel this way, we will travel back to my childhood where the color of my skin and my chunky body was shunned by my extended family. I have “darker” skin compared to my light skin family members on my mother’s side, and where they are beautiful I was always the “dark ugly one”  In these memories of my childhood is where the voice that haunts me comes from. The voice that tells me I am not good enough or worthy enough of anything.

A cage. One I have made for myself that is the making of my own fear. I have created my worst nightmare in the bowels of depression and loneliness.  What do I fear? This moment right now. Being awake and breathing. What do I fear? The thoughts in my head that I am worthless.  What do I fear? This life and the horrors in it. All I need is some light among all this darkness.

I can see it. A small flame. My inner child crying in the corner for someone to love me. I can see the light. It is so small. So faint. But I see it. It is there.