The original title of this post was “Nothingness” I realized within the past hour, that all I am doing is whining about how empty I feel. It could be due to the meds, lack of sleep, or just failure to make a connection to my higher self. I have decided to own it. Bipiolar is a stigma yes. Depression is too. But I am NOT going to let it destroy me. I am not going to write about how shitty I feel, or how I wish I could end it all. I am going to write about how beautiful life is and how lucky I am to have such caring people in my life.
I am not alone in this battle and neither are you. If there is one thing you love, just ONE thing, then embrace it. For me its writing. I was never really good at fiction, (though I did try my hand at some perverted roleplaying, yeah don’t you judge me!!) One thing I give myself credit for is all the joy and empowerment I can bring people. The power of the mind is a great tool.
YOU are not your depression. YOU are not the bipolar. Don’t let it define you. I was slipping in a hole of my own making. I sat here feeling completely useless, I even let some guy objectify my body. I don’t even care. Lack of self respect, lack of self esteem. When I am down I let outside influences take me over and destroy whatever self confidence I may have had. I get myself involved with shady characters that have absolutely no morals. I get drawn in to this world of sex and alcohol where only the sinners lie. I am not preachy and going to say that I have “sinned” and now I must “repent” But I am starting to realize that the reason God hasn’t spoken to me in so long is because I turned a blind eye to my self respect. God loves everyone they say, but if God lives in you (which I believe) and you don’t love yourself, aren’t you being a bit contradicting?
Self love and self acceptance is a hard concept for me. When I look in the mirror I see the most horrid creature looking back at me. My hair is falling out, my nails are chipped, and I am grossly overweight. I used to be beautiful once in my youth. And even at my most beautiful I felt worthless because I let “some guy” define who I was. Well there is no guy now, just kind and giving people in my life.
So let’s be thankful. Be grateful for what you have today because there are no guarantees about tomorrow. Join me in a silent prayer and let it not go on deaf ears. God is the love that you carry for yourself. That’s what I have been missing. I know that now. I won’t fall into nothingness because of the amazing people in my life and the amazing reader that is reading this. This post is for YOU. For the ones struggling with no answers. I don’t feel empty when I write. I feel alive. This is the closest I have ever been to accepting myself and it has been through words. Each letter I type is an affirmation that I am NOT nothing. I AM someone with a voice. YOU have a voice too. Don’t let this demon of depression or bipolar make you feel like you are not worth something. You are worth something. To me. To those that love you.
And even if I can’t say it to myself I can say that “I love you” I love you for your flaws, I love you for your weaknesses, I love you for giving me strength to be a better person.
So thank you. Thank for reading and allowing me to express myself so the abyss that I am drowning in won’t consume me. Because the power of mind and love will save me, even when God can’t.