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sinking

That’s it.  I gave up the job hunt because I know I will be moving soon and I am going to need the time off to do so. But in the meantime life couldn’t be more boring.  I gave up on my penpals only because I have nothing interesting to say anymore. I am falling in a rut of an abyss I can’t seem to get out of. Maybe its depression again? God please don’t let it be that.

I am tired. I am tired of suggestions. I am tired of people telling me “get a hobby, find something you like doing” What if I like doing absolutely nothing? I have no joy in my life. I have nothing I am passionate about. I am empty. I was fascinated by the whole “online dating” world for a while, then I realized “this doesn’t apply to me so why bother” Why bother with anything? Why get up in the morning? Why live?

I am speaking from a dark place. A place I haven’t visited in quite some time. I am sinking. I am falling. I am going deeper into the abyss to which I have feared for so long. I hide it well. I shower, I listen to music, I try to chat and connect and I just CAN’T. I try to connect with people and I just CAN’T.  I am dying for stimulating conversation and I just can’t do it. I can’t connect. Its like SLOT A won’t go into SLOT B no matter how hard I try. I am so lost that I just want to cry my eyes out but not a single tear will come.

I could do the cop out excuse and say its meds that’s doing it. UGH. ITS NOT THE MEDS EITHER.  It’s me. I am the mess. I am the hole I can’t crawl out of. I am falling so deep I can’t even express it into words.  I don’t need anyone. But I need people. I don’t want to talk about it. But I need to talk about it.  What the hell is this??? GOD HELP ME.  I can’t even pray because I haven’t been able to even speak to GOD.  I am so alone. So alone.  I can’t even reach out for advice.  I am so bad that I don’t even think drinking can help me. I am so depressed that I can’t even take a drink to relax.

I have fallen. Deep into the abyss. With no way out.

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