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freedom-in-the-shape-of-a-crossBeing bipolar is tough, especially when you have to own up to it.  I recently reconnected with a friend who I really was mean to, prior to me going to the hospital in January.  He was really nice, and we had some good times.  But it left me wondering, is this why I have no friends anymore? Did I really alienate all these people?  The answer would be YES.

I have tried reaching out to a few local girlfriends that I used to have and received no response on their end.  I even cut ties with some people that have been really close to me. Why did I do that?  Am I finally coming to the realization that I am a hard person to stay friends with?  I mean I do flake out and disappear sometimes, but why do I get upset when people do it to me?

My biggest problem with the ups and downs of bipolar is the spiritual aspect that I have lost. I have completely lost touch with my spiritual side. There seems to be a numbness there now that I can’t replace. I used to go out, feel the wind hit my face, and feel thrilled and enthralled, now I feel nothing and emptiness.  Its not that I am depressed, far from it. I spent some lovely time with my sister the past few days and even had a peaceful experience at the beach with the ocean waves. But it’s like there is a hole inside of me that cannot be filled. Is it the meds? I wonder about this a lot because I have a deep spiritual connection with God, and I feel like I lost it somehow.  I even stopped going to my Baha’i meetings.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

Yet I am out there with a smile on my face.  Will I ever find God again? Will he ever speak to me again? All big questions I wish I had the answer to.