The Power of Mind and Love

Tags

bipolar, depression, God, hope, inspiration, life, relationships, spiritual, spirituality, suicide

The original title of this post was “Nothingness”  I realized within the past hour, that all I am doing is whining about how empty I feel.  It could be due to the meds, lack of sleep, or just failure to make a connection to my higher self.  I have decided to own it. Bipiolar is a stigma yes. Depression is too.  But I am NOT going to let it destroy me. I am not going to write about how shitty I feel, or how I wish I could end it all.  I am going to write about how beautiful life is and how lucky I am to have such caring people in my life.

I am not alone in this battle and neither are you. If there is one thing you love, just ONE thing, then embrace it. For me its writing. I was never really good at fiction, (though I did try my hand at some perverted roleplaying, yeah don’t you judge me!!)  One thing I give myself credit for is all the joy and empowerment I can bring people.  The power of the mind is a great tool.

YOU are not your depression. YOU are not the bipolar. Don’t let it define you. I was slipping in a hole of my own making. I sat here feeling completely useless, I even let some guy objectify my body.  I don’t even care. Lack of self respect, lack of self esteem.  When I am down I let outside influences take me over and destroy whatever self confidence I may have had.  I get myself involved with shady characters that have absolutely no morals.  I get drawn in to this world of sex and alcohol where only the sinners lie.  I am not preachy and going to say that I have “sinned” and now I must “repent”  But I am starting to realize that the reason God hasn’t spoken to me in so long is because I turned a blind eye to my self respect.  God loves everyone they say, but if God lives in you (which I believe) and you don’t love yourself, aren’t you being a bit contradicting?

Self love and self acceptance is a hard concept for me.  When I look in the mirror I see the most horrid creature looking back at me. My hair is falling out, my nails are chipped, and I am grossly overweight. I used to be beautiful once in my youth.  And even at my most beautiful I felt worthless because I let “some guy” define who I was.  Well there is no guy now, just kind and giving people in my life.

So let’s be thankful. Be grateful for what you have today because there are no guarantees about tomorrow.  Join me in a silent prayer and let it not go on deaf ears.  God is the love that you carry for yourself. That’s what I have been missing.  I know that now.  I won’t fall into nothingness because of the amazing people in my life and the amazing reader that is reading this. This post is for YOU. For the ones struggling with no answers.  I don’t feel empty when I write. I feel alive. This is the closest I have ever been to accepting myself and it has been through words. Each letter I type is an affirmation that I am NOT nothing. I AM someone with a voice.  YOU have a voice too. Don’t let this demon of depression or bipolar make you feel like you are not worth something. You are worth something. To me.  To those that love you.

And even if I can’t say it to myself I can say that “I love you”  I love you for your flaws, I love you for your weaknesses, I love you for giving me strength to be a better person.

So thank you. Thank for reading and allowing me to express myself so the abyss that I am drowning in won’t consume me. Because the power of mind and love will save me, even when God can’t.

Sinking into the Abyss

Tags

bipolar, career, dating, death, depression, grief, life, love, poetry, relationships, suicide

That’s it.  I gave up the job hunt because I know I will be moving soon and I am going to need the time off to do so. But in the meantime life couldn’t be more boring.  I gave up on my penpals only because I have nothing interesting to say anymore. I am falling in a rut of an abyss I can’t seem to get out of. Maybe its depression again? God please don’t let it be that.

I am tired. I am tired of suggestions. I am tired of people telling me “get a hobby, find something you like doing” What if I like doing absolutely nothing? I have no joy in my life. I have nothing I am passionate about. I am empty. I was fascinated by the whole “online dating” world for a while, then I realized “this doesn’t apply to me so why bother” Why bother with anything? Why get up in the morning? Why live?

I am speaking from a dark place. A place I haven’t visited in quite some time. I am sinking. I am falling. I am going deeper into the abyss to which I have feared for so long. I hide it well. I shower, I listen to music, I try to chat and connect and I just CAN’T. I try to connect with people and I just CAN’T.  I am dying for stimulating conversation and I just can’t do it. I can’t connect. Its like SLOT A won’t go into SLOT B no matter how hard I try. I am so lost that I just want to cry my eyes out but not a single tear will come.

I could do the cop out excuse and say its meds that’s doing it. UGH. ITS NOT THE MEDS EITHER.  It’s me. I am the mess. I am the hole I can’t crawl out of. I am falling so deep I can’t even express it into words.  I don’t need anyone. But I need people. I don’t want to talk about it. But I need to talk about it.  What the hell is this??? GOD HELP ME.  I can’t even pray because I haven’t been able to even speak to GOD.  I am so alone. So alone.  I can’t even reach out for advice.  I am so bad that I don’t even think drinking can help me. I am so depressed that I can’t even take a drink to relax.

I have fallen. Deep into the abyss. With no way out.

Need to Get a Life!

Tags

boyfriend, career, dating, friendships, life, love, men, online dating, relationships, work

There are people out there that just don’t get it. I am convinced of it.  I will be the first one to admit I need to get a life. But so many people out there REALLY need to do the same.  I have been thinking of going back to work lately, only because I am TOTALLY BORED and I need to DO something. Also it would be nice to have some spending money, since I have amassed SO much debt being manic.  I spent so much money on frivolous things, I don’t even know where all of it went.

Anyway, I have all together given up on online dating. I met a nice guy from New Jersey on OKCupid recently, and I feel bad for him.  He is honestly trying to put himself out there and I applaud him for it. He misses going out on actual dates and hasn’t been getting anywhere on the site. Why don’t I go out with him you ask? He’s in Jersey! I don’t know if anyone out there is familiar with these areas but I live out on Long Island, and the amount of bridges, traffic and tolls to get to him would be outrageous.  The sad thing is without all of that he would probably be just an hour and a half away.  He is nice enough I think to come out to me, but I don’t want to give him hope. I am sorry, I may sound ungrateful, but I think Jersey and my vagina dries up.  Besides, I am so jaded by the whole dating scene that I don’t think I could put 100% into this, which this nice guy deserves.  Why must everything be so difficult?   Anyway, the only reason we have been messaging each other is because he wrote a thoughtful message that went like this:

Hello there. I’m Angel I draw, read, love music, work full time and go to school for engineering. I worked hard to get me where I’m at now. Love to go explore new places to see and eat at. All I really need is someone to experience them with hopefully I can maybe catch your interest. Well hope to hear from you and hope you have a great day.

Wasn’t that a nice message? I jumped for joy until I saw how far he actually was. I don’t know maybe I am making excuses, but just the idea of putting myself through so much for a guy? UGH! I have been becoming very selfish in my singledom ways. Oh well.

Meanwhile, there is a guy who IS actually IN my town and probably 5 minutes away. But instead of being nice and engaging like the Jersey guy, he does this:

Wednesday – 5:51pm
Hey I live in valley stream too Do you want to hangout or no

Thursday – 4:08pm
Hey How are you doing Can we hangout or no

Thursday – 5:55pm
I guest not

Thursday – 10:48pm
We need to talk

Thursday – 11:07pm
Ok I guest not

Saturday – 2:32pm
I going out to a party

Today – 10:59am
I am off today can we hangout out or not today

Today – 12:59pm
Can I ask you something

Just now!
Me: (I Finally had enough of this guy!) Please do me a favor. Stop messaging me. There are so many things wrong here. First your profile is blank. Second, what makes you think I would just hang out with someone that doesn’t try to get to know me. Just because we are both from Valley Stream doesn’t mean I am automatically going to go out with you. And what do you mean by “hang out?” I go out on dates. I do not “hang out” Please if you want a booty call please message someone else. Just PLEASE STOP MESSAGING ME. Thank you.

Him: I don’t want a booty call I want a gf

Le sigh.

Get a goddam life!

 

 

What is this thing called “Love” anyway?

Tags

boyfriend, dating, life, love, men, OKCupid, online dating, relationships, soulmate, women

What is it? Is it all just hormones? Do your man parts and my lady parts co-mingle nicely so now you are in love? What kinda crap is this? And what is this thing called a soulmate? I honestly think people just throw that around like the word “love.”

I don’t think I ever have known what love was.  Although I am slowly beginning to understand. In this digital age, no one really takes the time to get to know each other anymore. It’s always “on to the next”  What I mean is, does this person pick their nose? Okay, you’re gone, let me find someone who doesn’t pick their nose.  Did this person come over to my house and leave the seat up/down?  Well its my bathroom, and you have no right to move my toilet seat, so yeah, you’re gone too.  Does his/her nose look a little big in this pic? Does this person have a misplaced mole on their face?  Is he/she too fat? (Meanwhile you are shoving gallons of ice cream and lard in your mouth)  What hypocrites we are! I mean really?

What I am saying is we are going overboard on what we think the “perfect mate” is. They pick their nose, you pick your nose, so stop dumping them because they pick their nose! Hey it’s better than picking your butt in public right? God knows what would happen if they did that! But I digress, we need to stop this shit.  It’s getting old. People wonder why they are alone, (yes lard shovers and nose pickers I am talking to you).  We expect way too much of a mate, when we ourselves are flawed. I am not just picking on you either. I am guilty of this. I would never date a fat beer belly gutted man, even though I am clearly a big fatty mcfatterson myself.  Is that wrong? Sure! That’s why I haven’t gotten laid in 6 years and porn is my best friend. (Gotta take care of yourself you know, and who better equipped to please me but myself).

Anyway, what I am getting is how do you know when you’re in “love?” It’s when you except the nose picker!  Don’t write someone off because they have a disgusting habit that you probably have too.  And don’t do it so quickly too. Give the guy/girl a chance. Love grows over time. It’s like a seed that needs time to grow or a flower that needs time to bloom.  I miss the days when we only had one choice and that was it. There are just too many choices out there.  We pass the love of our lives every day, whether it be online or just in person. That could be the next “one” if we just give them a chance. No one is perfect, so we should really stop looking for that perfect mate.  They don’t exist. We are chasing a ghost.

Me, personally, I have someone in my life that I used to date but we couldn’t make it work sexually. I loved him dearly in spite of all the difficulties, but he just wasn’t in a place to love me back. So we broke up. The story should have ended there but we remained friends. As the years went on and I went from guy to guy, my best friend was always there by my side. He never dated anyone else, and always stayed loyal to me. Why? I have no idea.  But when I was hospitalized during Christmas, he came and spent Christmas Day with me. He gave up his own plans with his family and spent the day in a mental ward with all these scary people around him to stay with me. NO ONE would have done that for me, if they didn’t love me. So we couldn’t connect sexually, who gives a crap. People are out there banging their heads (and headboards) all around and they are no closer to finding love.  I found my love because I invested in it.  I let it grow. So next time the nose picker or the toilet seat bandit shows their true self, remember you are not perfect yourself, so don’t expect the other person to be too.  Maybe then you will find out what this thing called “love” is. (By the way my best friend/love of my life is a nose picker, fat like me and leaves the toilet seat up).

 

Well, It’s Time to Rejoin the Living

Tags

boyfriend, career, dating, Indeed.com, jobs, life, men, online dating, relationships, work

I think it’s time I get back out there. No not dating. Screw that. My latest message on OkCupid was “hey baby, we’re from the same town, wanna hang out”  *Crickets*  Ummm, no. I am not your booty call, and at least engage me in conversation before you ask a question like that. Like seriously? Ugh, I am totally done with online dating. Or dating at all for that matter.

But what I mean by getting back out there is seeking employment again. I had a couple of odd jobs and some that I really liked over the years, but nothing beats the job I had when I first became manic.  It was perfect, even though I don’t like traveling into Manhattan,  it was something that I was good at and proud of. No job ever felt the same as that one after that.  I thought about what I want to do. I’d like to be part of the interviewing process again. Being an interviewer and meeting new people was a lot of fun for me. People are so interesting when they are on an interview. Kinda like “put your best face forward” kind of thing.  That always fascinated me.

Anyway, I am up on Indeed.com. Simple enough website. I have been researching and much like online dating employers are doing extensive digging. I googled myself and there is nothing matching my professional name. Thank god! Since I closed my Facebook I don’t have to worry about that either. But I am going to approach the “job hunt” the same way as the “man hunt” with no expectation. The ultimate job is like the ultimate man. If I can’t have the man I might as well have the job!

I completed a rigorous application with the Marriot just a few minutes ago. I like that application process because it was like you were actually “working” for them and they throw you in some first hand experiences that you will be faced with so when you get the job there will be no surprises. Why can’t relationships be that way? You know, conduct the interview and there is no “ghosting” no “mind games” no “pretentions”  Ahhh, if only people were like that.  You get what you put into it. But people, they are unpredictable. But at least with looking for a job, I know EXACTLY what I am getting into…..

Stay tuned!

How we give up our Freedom

Tags

boyfriend, dating, freedom, friendships, God, inspiration, life, online dating, relationships, spiritual, spirituality

You ever notice how powerless you are? Whether you’re a slave to your phone, a slave to your job, a slave to that “perfect” relationship, a slave to online dating apps,  or a slave to Pokemon GO. I mean people come on, seriously?  You’re out there walking around with your phones looking for Pokemon? Ugh, social trends make me wanna hurl.  But I digress, every day we lose our Freedom. We are all slaves.  I admit I am too. I can personally say that I am an internet addict.  I spend hours and hours just staring at a screen, going to chat rooms, forums, or just here writing.

Ahhh, but I broke free. I have been spending time actually reading a book. An actual book, not my Kindle. And it has been so liberating!  Just going somewhere quiet and desolate, (the basement of my home) and lighting one candle with a lamp above me as I lay on a couch down there, and just read.  It has been a very powerful experience, especially since the book talks about “Becoming your Best Self” No phones, no tv, no noise, just me and a book.

I have come to a conclusion that I will no longer be a slave. I will break the chains. I am not going to plug myself into “The Matrix” I am going to stay out here in the real world (Zion). Bob Marley had the right idea. Just hang and chill in the company of your friends or just by yourself.

I never realized how free I actually am. I spoke to one of my oldest and dearest friends today and she is MISERABLE. She hates her job, she is constantly stressed and I didn’t want to tell her but her boyfriend is a total buzzkill. He is always complaining and whining about how his life sucks after she comes home from a long day at work. Its bad enough that he has no money, no job and no prospects and nothing going for himself, but he is like 1200 miles away!

Kudos to her and people who can handle that. The problem is that some people lack the strength to leave. I was totally that kind of person up until a few months ago. I would be constantly checking my phone,.email,  chat room, or whatever medium I could find someone online. And when they “ghosted” I was let down and hurt. This happens to so many people, and  I really feel for you. Do you know how I beat that feeling? I let go. I let go of the chains I was carrying around my back. The “oh I am so lonely,” the “oh I am getting older every day and I am alone,” the “I feel so blue without someone in my life” chains. These are heavy burdens that so many people carry around.

Just let go. Drop the weight on your shoulders. Do something for you. Don’t give up your freedom anymore. Don’t let someone else dictate how you view yourself. Don’t be afraid of being alone. Remember we come into this world alone and that’s exactly how we are leaving it. Life doesn’t have to stop just because you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend. There is SOO much beauty in the world. So much to see if we just dump that baggage we are carrying around.

I challenge you. Do what I did today. Go out without your phone. Don’t go far, maybe around the block or down the street and treat yourself to an ice cream cone. If you live in a rural area, go out among the trees. But leave your phone behind, (please don’t forget your keys and be safe!)  Just go out phoneless, and see how free you feel.  Let go of being a slave.

Go out and grab your Freedom back!

I know you can do it! xoxoxo

 

 

Why We Need to Connect

Tags

dating, depression, friendships, God, inspiration, life, love, online dating, relationships, spirituality

My therapist told me, “it’s nice that you enjoy your alone time, but humans are social beings and they need to interact. Maybe that’s why you lost connection with God and yourself.”  I pondered this for a while, and ultimately came up with the same conclusion.

It was a boring Saturday afternoon when my friend called. (This friend is a flake that always makes plans then breaks them). She asked if I wanted to go out, so taking my therapist’s advice I went and ACTUALLY had a good time.  We hung out, talked, (her OCD was on full blast), but I tried my best to enjoy myself. And I did.  I realized, then and there, that interaction with people is what makes your life worth living.

You know its hard having no friends. Sure, I have connections online, but actually going and being with people, that’s what I am missing. As I have been praying for answers and coming up short, its simply because I don’t have that human element in my life to connect to.  To just sit and share a space with someone, and it doesn’t have to be romantic.

Why hasn’t God spoken to me? Maybe because I haven’t made any REAL connections with His children.  I have been running around trying to find God in all the wrong places. Ultimately it does come down to me though. It’s ME who has to make the change and come out of my shell. All this technology, man, it’s killing us slowly. And this whole “swipe left, swipe right” crap is even worse.

Online dating, man what a mess. But I get it. People have a hard time meeting organically because everyone is buried in their phone anyway.  I saw a sad scene at Barnes and Nobles yesterday. I saw a nice attractive lady sitting alone at a table and a nice gentleman looking at her while he added sugar to his coffee at the coffee bar.  Now she is probably out there online dating (I am assuming) swiping left and right and this nice guy looks like he wants to talk to her. Why doesn’t he approach her do you ask? How can you compete with a phone? Guys I get it now. I wasn’t sure what the deal was before.  Ladies, gents can’t compete with what’s going down on your phone. Honestly I think he would have approached her if she was just reading a book.  It just seems like we are so disconnected and we are desperately trying to connect.  It’s the weirdest frickin thing.

On a good note, I had fun in the chat rooms last night.  It’s been a while since a cool group of people got together.  I even gave my number to one of the chatters! Of course he didn’t call or text yet, (again sooo predicatable), but I am not holding my breath.  I am just gonna write, maybe check out some roleplaying forums (so much fun to do when bored) and just hang out on this lazy Sunday.

So moral of the story? I think most of us are lonely. Even when we are connecting and around friends we are lonely. But we NEED to put that damn phone down. Seriously. Connecting with people, and sharing smiles, and flirtatious winks are so much more fun in person then sending a “wink” online. Go out with a friend and have coffee, observe people, meet people. I guarantee you will be pleasantly surprised.

Stay Tuned……..

 

Lost Touch With Spirit

Tags

bipolar, boyfriend, dating, depression, God, life, poetry, relationships, spiritual, spirituality, suicide

Here I am numb.

God you left me. Left me crying on the inside, shouting for an answer.

I know not of what I have become, a hollow, empty mass of a person.

I feel nothing, I look up at the sky, I pray and feel nothing.

I have lost touch with spirit, my spirit, my essence.

What do I do?

How do I find you again?

I call out to the Nameless Universe and it echoes back to me in a feedback loop.

I hear no voice but my own.

I want to hear your voice God.

I want to hear your voice Mother Earth.

I am dead, or I might as well be, because this abyss of nothingness consumes me.

I have lost touch with Spirit, I have lost touch with the Divine.

I no longer feel your comfort, nor your love.

I am empty hollow, I have lost touch with Spirit.

Please find me. Please find me again. Help me. I am so alone.

What will it take for me to hear you, what will it take for me to find you.

Will you take my life and everything you have given me?

Is it because I have no worries or no trials and tribulations?

Will I need to suffer to find you?

Show me what to do, guide me, help me find you.

It is cold, even in this heat of summer.

I am Lost without you Spirit. I have lost touch with you.

Find me again, Love me again, Show me you are Real.

To Find Yourself You Have to Die A Little

Tags

bipolar, death, depression, God, inspiration, life, love, spiritual, spirituality, suicide

Each day I die a little inside, and it brings me closer to myself.

I walk in shadows and demons haunt me.

I want to crawl in a bottle and not come out.

I want to die and leave this Earth behind.

No I am not suicidal.

I am just lost confused and desperate for a challenge.

I watched the ocean and wanted to get swept away.

I watched the highway and wanted to jump in between the cars.

I watched the moon and desperately outstretched my hand to it.

Tomorrow feels like today.

Yesterday feels like today.

It’s all the same thing, rattled around on the hamster wheel.

No changes, no excitement, just desolate emptiness.

Where will you find me?

Who am I and who are you?

I die a little each day to know more about myself.

Every little death brings me closer to the truth.

The truth is if I die all together people will miss me.

I will not go out alone, but others would feel this pain.

The sheer volume I scream from my soul each day will finally be heard.

Where am I today?

Just a little bit closer to death and salvation.

My little death each day deserves a hug.

A hug that I give myself.

To know yourself and love yourself you have to die a little inside each day.

That’s how I feel right now.

That’s my truth although it may not be yours.

See me now.

In the dark I dwell.

This is my truth to achieve awareness.

For awareness is the key to everlasting truth.

 

Memories…

Tags

baha'i, bipolar, depression, God, inspiration, life, love, poetry, spiritual, spirituality

Being bipolar is tough, especially when you have to own up to it.  I recently reconnected with a friend who I really was mean to, prior to me going to the hospital in January.  He was really nice, and we had some good times.  But it left me wondering, is this why I have no friends anymore? Did I really alienate all these people?  The answer would be YES.

I have tried reaching out to a few local girlfriends that I used to have and received no response on their end.  I even cut ties with some people that have been really close to me. Why did I do that?  Am I finally coming to the realization that I am a hard person to stay friends with?  I mean I do flake out and disappear sometimes, but why do I get upset when people do it to me?

My biggest problem with the ups and downs of bipolar is the spiritual aspect that I have lost. I have completely lost touch with my spiritual side. There seems to be a numbness there now that I can’t replace. I used to go out, feel the wind hit my face, and feel thrilled and enthralled, now I feel nothing and emptiness.  Its not that I am depressed, far from it. I spent some lovely time with my sister the past few days and even had a peaceful experience at the beach with the ocean waves. But it’s like there is a hole inside of me that cannot be filled. Is it the meds? I wonder about this a lot because I have a deep spiritual connection with God, and I feel like I lost it somehow.  I even stopped going to my Baha’i meetings.

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

Yet I am out there with a smile on my face.  Will I ever find God again? Will he ever speak to me again? All big questions I wish I had the answer to.