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HandshakeHave you ever thought to yourself if I just open up myself to the world I will be okay? I have often wondered about this. So I am going to make a change. Tonight I will sleep early,. get up early and go see The Legend of Tarzan by myself. I used to treat myself at least once a month in the past, and seeing that I have a little extra money this week I think I am going to go do it. I have a car, I have gas, I have air in my lungs, I am not dying, I have so much going for me why can’t I not go? The only thing that would be stopping me would be the mind crippling depression that I sometimes feel. But I won’t let it consume me. Yes tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Sometimes when we are going through life, we think there is no joy in anything. That even being out with people you can feel alone. I reached out to a friend today that has been struggling with “being stuck” she puts it, and left an open invitation to join me tomorrow. She won’t call of course. I know her, she is really struggling. Maybe I made a mistake by extending the invitation? Maybe she will feel guilty for “being stuck?” We have the same therapist and he told me that she felt monumentally guilty the last time she bailed on plans with me. Rightfully so, because I never answered her calls after that, and essentially cut her loose.  But I still hold her in my heart, because I know of the struggle and what its like to be “stuck”  Sometimes though you think to yourself, am I trying to hard? I recently decided to let another friend go , (who was local so we could have actually met up) and who kept promising to email me and call me back and stay in contact but never did. I feel like am the only one making an effort with these people. Why do so many toxic people come into my life? Do I have a magnet on my face?

Anyway, the point is I am still trying. I am opening myself up to be okay. I have to keep trying to make connections because I don’t want a bunch of “what ifs” hanging over me. I don’t want to be the person to turn their back on a friendship just because the other person may have flaked a few times. Am I just being gullible? I don’t know really. Maybe I am just too nice. Whatever the case may be though, if she doesn’t call me back,. I still plan on going by myself and treating myself and having a good time, even if it is all by my lonesome. Who gives a damn anyway? Hell who the hell needs people. (By the way I checked OKCupid to see if maybe I could get a date, all I saw were “Wassups” and “Hw r u’s”). Screw that shit. I am going alone. But hey at least I opened myself up to be okay.