Have you ever felt small? Almost lost because you don’t know who you are? I have been struggling with my life for the past 6 months since my hospital release. I had a deep string of spiritual events and relationships last year that really made me think about my place in the universe. The experiences seemed to string together so easily, like I was headed somewhere, on a path that would lead to enlightenment but sadly it led to hospitalization.
Now here I am, on the wrong side of 36 years old next month, with nothing to show for all I have accomplished. Not even a meaningful relationship. I wouldn’t even think of online dating after reading the many horror stories on the subject. I would have to say reading the posts on online dating are my entertainment when I am out and about and on my phone, but is that really the path to true love? When you sign in to OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder or whatever else, what exactly do you expect to find? To be honest there are nothing but degenerates out there for both men and women. I hate to sound like the ultimate cynic but it seems to be the case.
So where does that leave me? It kind of leaves me in this abyss of uncertainty. With all these false assurances out there that I will hear from the people I have been so comfortable talking with ever again. I am afraid I have been the victim of “ghosting” lately. People I chat with I end up having a great time with one time and I never hear from them again. These one shot deals are getting really tiresome. I want something to last, to be around for more than just one day. Is that too much to god damn ask? I am so angry at all these bastards that think its okay to get my hopes up and leave me cold in the dark. Maybe I need a new hobby, I don’t know, or maybe I just need to forget about it all together. I want to be more than I am. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I am screaming in the dark and falling on deaf ears. So if you can hear me, scream back. Say I am done with this whole “hope” thing. Because ladies and gentleman there is no hope. People suck and that’s all there is to it.
But I will shine on. My light will stay bright. I will write more, sing more, be positive and enjoy my own company. Because I am all I have.