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shakcledFor those of you not familiar with Jacob Marley, he was Ebeneezer Scrooge’s best friend in the Christmas Carol who visits him and reminds him of the chains of life misdeeds. But have you ever wondered about past love’s shackles and chains? How much of our old selves do we bring into future relationships?

I sit here. Alone. Burning my lonely candle, in my lonely bedroom, on this rainy lonely November night. I have riches beyond riches in life. A great family, a wonderful man in my life, a best friend who does nothing but make me laugh constantly, and a wonderful lover who understands me. I go over these things in my head and think to myself why am I so screwed up then? Because I never took care of ME. I threw my diet and weight loss out the window. I still see such an ugly woman when I look in the mirror, hating in disgust at the reflection looking back at me. Lost touch completely with who I am and what I have become.

Till I remember. Me, on the floor, ten years, ago in my apartment. An empty bottle of pills next to an empty bottle of vodka on the floor beside me. My breath getting shorter and shorter as this world slips away. I killed myself that night, because of a man. Because I just couldn’t get him to love me, because I wasn’t good enough, because the world meant nothing to me without him in it. Who would be so stupid right? ME.

I realized tonight. Here. In this lonely place that I am. That a part of me died that night even though I survived. That part of me that believed in romance. That believed in big dreams. The woman that thought there were “Rhett Butlers that loved Scarlett O’Haras” When movie love exists and there is a happily ever after.

I realized tonight, that my life has no worth. I have been rolling around in circles, thinking I have everything and everyone, when I really have nothing because I am still dead on that floor. And the shackles of that pain of the past love is still holding and weighing me down……

“I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. An all consuming, inconvenient, can’t-live-without-you love.”