You know people come in and out of your life all the time. Each telling a story in the tapestry of your life. Some are long stories some are short. Can you love someone even though you don’t spend much time with them? What constitutes falling in love with someone?
You came into my life. The Gambler. You sent me on my road of sobriety. I thought our love story was a short one. “You are there and I am here.” he said. Those words mean to me that he will never pursue a relationship with me. That does not stop me from loving him. Every time we speak, it can be weeks or months in between our conversations, but my heart still beats like a drum and my love still endures.
I have succumbed to the notion that I will not love again so easily. There have been some guys who have come in and out of my life that have taught me some lessons, about myself and about relationships. Fact of the matter is I am not ready for one. I read another blogger’s post about wanting to wait till she lost weight to meet someone. I am guilty of the same thing. I want to wait to lose weight before I attempt another relationship. But do I really? Will being skinnier change who I am as a person? I think not.
Love comes in many forms. It’s the moments that count. I am flying high tonight. Remembering how handsome he looked and the kind, insightful words he said to me. He is my voice of reason, my conscience, through my sobriety. I didn’t get sober for him, because honestly if i wanted to drink, who would really know? Just me. The fact of the matter is he teaches me the valuable lessons that I treasure.
Maybe I love a dream. Maybe I love a fantasy. Maybe an actual relationship with him would be absolutely an absolute disaster because he is screwed up. I know he is, because I am as well. But oh, what a good dream. I keep closing the chapter on him because I don’t want to admit to myself that I will be this way for years. That I will be trying to find a man to live up to my Prince that I have created in my mind. What happens when you meet Prince Charming but you can’t have him? Do we settle for frogs? I don’t want to settle for anyone.
He told me “Live the length of your life but live the depth of it as well” Those wise words from my grandmother sticks in his mind. A part of me resides in him. A piece of my history. It gives me great joy to know that sometimes, just sometimes. we get moments that the universe shows us. Moments that are priceless. Moments that make our hearts melt. Tonight I had such a moment. He was meant to speak to me tonight. It was time. It might be another two weeks or even a month before I see him again.
Will I be in his thoughts? Does he even think of me?
I laugh to myself. I love a dream. Prince Charming is real. But my happily ever after is a loving relationship with “ME”. Ultimately learning to love myself so that I can one day meet someone that makes me feel like the way the Gambler makes me feel. An open book love story. Wow. Usually chapters and stories have endings. Mine is still being written. It feels like a test. An initiation into a much higher existence. Will learning enlightenment and self acceptance be the key to my ever lasting joy? Is the wonderful joy I feel in my heart when I talk to The Gambler just a taste of what kind of love is out there for me? I think so. I may never meet The Gambler. I may lose touch with him all together one day. But the fact that every time I say “It’s over, he’s gone” he shows back up. Not to torture me in any way or cause me pain, but to teach me the lessons I was missing,
You are my teacher Gambler. And I love you. May my love for you transcend time and space and reach your heart on the other side of the world. May the universe guide me in my travels and show me my deepest truest love that I am yet to feel. I have hope. I am a dreamer. I dream of love that even time will lie down and be still for. And Gambler, time stood still when I spoke to you.
To be continued……