There comes a moment in every love story where you take a break and you step back. I can feel his hesitation, his loss, his demons because they are like my own. One addict recognizes another’s flaws almost immediately. But our story isn’t over yet. I wanted to close the chapter, turn my back completely but this man came into my life for a reason.
He once spoke to me about relationships in terms of reason, season lifetimes. People come into your life for a reason, to show you lessons. Or they come for a season, a short time to show you what lessons you needed. Or they last a lifetime. The dramatic way in which the Gambler came into my life, and pushed me, forced me to open my eyes and to see, SEE finally. Was he sent here to just send me on my path? Was he just a season? I don’t believe so. I think I scare him, when I talk in terms of forever. Where he is a realist, I am a dreamer. He is in the UK and I am in New York. The strikes are already against us. But I am convinced this man has a higher purpose in my life. I have been wrong before and I may be wrong again, but I am convinced the Universe has a bigger plan.
Get through a day he said. 46 days sober. Thank you Gambler. Thank you for showing me. He told me tonight that he was no one’s savior, just a facilitator. But oh he is so much more than that. So much more than he knows. He is my mirror. A reflection of me and what I am. I am probably more in touch with my spiritual side than he is, but that is because life has probably shown him a much harder side than me. Where relationships may have totally disappointed him and people have let him down, the relationships I have been in have healed me completely into a whole person. We are all learning and growing, and I feel him pulling away, so its time for me to step aside. Disappear into the void and discover myself. Pull away at the layers of myself and SEE finally. See finally the beautiful person inside that I have hidden from the world. The world sees me in my bright smile. I see the ugliest person looking back at me. But the Gambler doesn’t see me that way. And you know what? He will find me again. It may take him weeks, it may take him months, but I take a piece of him with me always. That sense of reason that sense of clarity about him. Our story may have ended tonight. I speak in terms of finality because its all I know. But this time I will approach it differently. The door is open for him, he just has to walk through. He will find me when he needs to. Its time for me to go. To self discover, to learn to grow.
I will be here Gambler, don’t you worry. Whatever it is that you are going through, I sense it, I feel it, I see it, even though you try and hide and deny it. That strong physique has a layer underneath more screwed up than I am. But I can match you on that one. It takes one screwed up person to know another. And this one knows when to step back. You will find me. You will. When you are ready. Enjoy your time without me. Have laughs, have drinks, drive through the mundane of life, and soon you will realize what I am. I am your gift. Your lifetime, not just a season, even though you may not know it or believe it. You will always find me. But remember you have to walk through the door. I am here. Love stories are written through stars, through spirit, through energy. Can a realist love a dreamer? Don’t worry this dreamer has enough love in her heart for both of us. Fight on Gambler. Today is a day you didn’t take another bet. And today is the day I didn’t take another drink. And even though our path will lead us apart for a while, know I am with you, and when the time comes you will see my smiling face again. Our story is still being written……..