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FindingClarity4:28am.  The rain. It beats down hard on the still of the night outside on this warm August early morning in New York.  The city is quiet. All I hear is the rain. The rain. The Virginian, The Scottish spiritual husband, The Viking God, and The Gambler. Four chapters to an amazing book of the year 2015 that is still being written. Will there be another before the year is up? I doubt it.

Tonight was clarification. The final chapter closed. He came when he was supposed to, like they all did. Love stories aren’t all great. Not all fireworks and butterflies. The rain calms now. Clarity.

I had lost touch with my spirituality. Tonight, I experienced it. What spirituality stands for, what it means to touch your soul and understand finally. Finally. “Swipe left, Swipe right.” Plenty of Fish. OkCupid. “Webcam or pic?” “Where are you from, what are your favorite types of food, what do you like to do for fun, how old are you” Generic. Empty.

If you asked the average person on the street when was the last time they went soul searching, they would look at you as if you were crazy. Them looking at you like you were crazy as they are buried in their phone, while the sun shines beautifully in the trees, and the stars twinkle as dusk approaches. I bought a new phone and a tablet. A new laptop and a few other new gadgets. I did it because I thought I needed it. Those are just things. New pieces of technology taking me away from my center.


Live Deep she said. Never stop learning, playing or finding wonder in the world around you. Live the length of your life but live the depth of it as well. Wise words from my dead grandmother that have haunted me as of late.

Soul searching. Ask the average person. See what they tell you. When was the last time you stopped and listened to the rain? When was the last time you watched the clouds move ever so slowly across the sky showing you that the Earth is actually rotating and you are just a guest in this great big universe? When was the last time your naked eye stretched to the heavens and saw the faintest twinkle in the sky of a star that is so far away but yet so close?

The rain it comes again. It beats. Swipe left, swipe right. Go ahead Tinder, Facebook, Skype, connect but don’t connect. Struggle to find that missing piece. That missing piece is YOU. The chapter of the Gambler closed. The rest have gone. Life lessons and the men that taught me them. Truth of the matter is, I didn’t need the men to find the answers. They kept coming and nagged at my soul to show me what was real. Life.

I came into this world alone, and that is how I will leave it. Don’t we all crave companionship though? We need that touch, that warmth of another human being? What about that next drink? That next sex partner? That next new fad.

Chasing, chasing that unattainable goal. We never will find it. The human spirit. The human brain. Complexities we don’t understand and we never will. But if you are, and you be….Just BE right now. Just listen. Turn off the tv, the music, the computer. Listen. And just BE. This moment. Me with you.

My moment has passed. By the time you read this, the rain would have stopped, I will be gone, and you will go on with your day. But if you can stop and just BE.  Just quiet your mind. You will understand. Understand that it took me 35 years to reach this place. Where the beating of the rain and the tapping of the keyboard is all I hear. Breathe.

Clarity comes to those that can wait for it.  That can see it. Grant me the power to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what can be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you Gambler. This piece is dedicated to you. As the door closes, know that I loved you truly. I loved you for the gifts you gave to me.  The knowledge and wisdom you bestowed upon me. And the power and the strength you let me see within myself.

From one addict to another, the moment in time is forever locked in my mind.

Thank you for the Clarity. 37 days Clean and Sober and Proud.