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cryingI have been down this road.  I know it well. I write into my bones from the deepest fathom of my being.  Remorse, self-hate.  It happened again.  Familiar.  This is where i am.  I am lost, breaking, broken.  Cut me deep like that knife I want to press down. Speaking in rhyme and rhythm my words are shattering like the demon that Haunts me.  My mind, a jumble of mixed arrays.  My heart breaking again.  Not again.

I watch wait and wonder.  I break and shatter like the broken glass under my feet. I am nothing.  No one.  Ever.  The truest love the deepest love has eluded me.  A love that time and the heavens will lie down and be still for.  Transcend the universe and rock the foundation of my very being and my essence.  He waits.  He’s there.  I see him clearly.  Yet not there.  Not clearly.  Alone.  Aloneless, Lonely and lonesome usually connote painful awareness of being alone but not necessarily a negative thing.  I watch I wait.  My heart breaks, with each day passing.  Breaking more and more as it becomes more concrete and the sand hardens around my feet.  You know this.  You know everything.  Take a sip.  Drown.  The tears are coming I feel them.  I am so broken without hope and anything to hold onto.  Get through a day.  I can’t.  I can’t do it.  I can’t get through today.  NO NO NO NO.  Stop please.  Just stop.  Why won’t my heart stop.  Just please stop beating.  Nothingness.  Absolute chaos absolutely.  Definite sadness definitely.

Drown deeper and deeper.  Watch the rabbit hole.  Alice survived the fall, but I won’t. You have to want to live.  You have to want to take a breath.  Shortness of breath. Breathe.  And not breathe.  Here I am again, deep in heartbreak.  The hallows of the cave where I was resurrected, seems darker still.  Is there no light.  Let me see.  I want to see but I am blind.  I watch, I wait, I listen. I Drown.