So here I am. Its been a while since my last post. Its been about a good month since my last drink. On my birthday I had said goodbye to Beowulf, my Viking Prince, and I haven’t heard from him since. I basically told him that I was nothing to him and that I was tired of being treated like second class to him. Fast forward a month and he is still gone. How I wanted to drown. My posts had become painful to write, even painful for some of you to read.
I drowned. But out of that I met another addict. A gambling addict. Lets call him the Gambler, only because it fits. Meeting another addict is teaching me a lot of things. First of all he is Danish and ruggedly handsome. We have a good flirt and an awesome time together, but sparks can’t fly when you’re in recovery. Its about sharing a good space and enjoying the “Power of Now.” Now is all we really have. I wish I had something inspirational to say or contribute. Only that the road to recovery is a hard one. Especially when you want that next drink, that next fix, that next relationship to fill that void in your heart. I have come to find out that I don’t NEED a man. Oh sure the butterfly feelings are there. The late night dreaming of a wonderful future together, the “play” fantasy. But realistically, being online and meeting people from all over the world teaches you that you can connect with someone at the precise moment that you are meant to connect with them. That at that moment, when you are in tears and someone is there to hear your emotion pour out of you like a river, it makes you appreciate the connection more. Connections at moments in time with another human being are precious. Maybe they won’t all lead to the perfect relationship, but it will lead to a special bond that you can share.
I love this man. I can say that truly because he shared with me that deep part of himself that I was able to share with him, that all the hospitals, therapists, psychologists, couldn’t give me. Drowning in the pills and the alcohol is not for me anymore. Its time to live a clean life. And be free of all the hurt, pain and anguish.
Finally, I am free.