Ever talk to someone? Just talk to them? Then all of a sudden it just comes out of you. The other person can’t believe what is going on, but you just let it empty on them? I did that tonight. The conversation went like this:
Hey Handsome, how are you?
Not great. The stars are out tonight, its a clear night and I have to work tomorrow. The weekend will come the clouds will come, and my passion for astronomy will go with it.
I am so sorry, I can’t compete with that, but I can offer an alternative. You know. A companion, someone to love, someone to be with.
I try not to love. Love sucks.
But I am me. No one else.
Everyone is them.
Yes but you couldn’t possibly know what I feel. Even at such a great distance.I have nothing left to give. Not from here.I walk these days like a shadow. A ghost of the person I was three months ago.
But you’re still you. Well, the ghost of you.
I don’t feel like myself. I cry a lot these days. More than I have in a very long time.
You shouldn’t. Crying is no good for you.
Loving a man that probably will never love you back is no good for you too..You don’t know my pain. Could not possibly cry as I much as I do these days. Lay awake at night, empty, hollow. No tears left in you, because you thought you had cried them all. But the one flows off your face, as the dagger twists slowly harder in your chest and it squeezes just one more tear….I am a sad sorry soul. I hide most of it from you. The screen is so blurry right now, as the tears well up in my big brown eyes.
Aww. Cry not. I have no words.
Just sobbing now, uncontrollably so. Locked away for so many years. The ability to feel. To love. Rekindled by someone I never met so far away. Why do I feel? Can’t I shut it off? Please make it stop. I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel. Breathe. Breathe through it. I pretend. Pretend that I don’t feel as strongly as I do. Pretend that its just some “internet fling”. Just some guy thousands of miles away that will probably miss me for a while if I was gone away, but could move on with his life just the same. Then I wake from the nightmare and realize that if he were to go away, I would crawl back into the hole I was. Become a whore, not care anymore. Lock my heart away. Die peacefully. Slowly. Just a little more every day….
You should probably go, its getting late.
Aye, but you shouldn’t be sad.
Honey, I ache and dwell in deep sadness all the time. You just don’t know of it. I hide it well. Wear a mask. Just today it was hard to shield. Just like the stars shine bright tonight my heart came through and the tears flowed. It couldn’t be helped.
Aww..maybe you should rest, too, the world will look a little better after a rest. I can’t give what you want of me. Have a good night don’t think too much.
And now he sleeps.
Cry some more.
An honest candid expression, with almost nothing in return.