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codepdenencyToo many times we fall for someone and we get lost.  I have never been in an online relationship before of this magnitude.  I don’t know how to act.  I don’t know what to feel.  I tried some type of polygamy where I was used to talking to multiple people and even convinced myself that I was not a monogamous person.  But that changed with the discovery of Beowulf. Well let us just call him that. Beowulf, is this Viking German God I met online about a month or so back.  Long blond thick hair, strong shoulders, very strong features and cleft chin, and of course a whopping 6 foot 5 inches in comparison to my 4’11”.

Anyway, our first night talking we spent 17 hours on chat.  Yes, its possible. And we continued on this pattern for weeks.  Even hinted at the “I love you” a couple of times. Fantastic in all ways, (even cheeky ones), I have surrendered to an online romance. What’s the problem then?  Oh, he’s only like a million miles away in the UK, where I am in New York.  The prince, the man of my dreams just had to be so far away.

Anyway, as I cruise along on the chatlines, I run into people that affect me in other ways.  The times I don’t spend with Beowulf, I find myself lusting after a man that looks like him.  I am so in love with Beowulf that I am craving attention of men that look like him too!  Love by proxy!  So weird.  I am weird.  I am so lost in Beowulf that men that look like him I go after.  I am so lost in him.  I have lost my way.  Help me find my way back.  To the way I was, where I was.  I want to be whole again.  I want it to make sense.

Lost in confusion of thoughts.

Thinking of a man that has no interest in me, that looks like the man I love.

The man I love spending less and less time with me as I drown more in this ocean.

Dam, I am buggered.   What to do, what to do.