Ghosted. Again.

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Ghosting. The Urban Dictionary defines it as: the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels

So the list goes on and on. Azure, someone who I have enjoyed many conversations with over the past year has officially ghosted me. He removed me from Skype and blocked me from Google Hangouts without any warning. Not a word. I can’t tell you how this feels. I was worried about him, his father’s health, and what was going on in his life. But he has officially slammed the door in my face.

I can’t explain why people do it. I always thought Azure would be the last person to ever do it; to completely show no regard for my feelings and just vanish. Maybe its fate teaching me a lesson? Maybe there is a hidden message? Maybe with all I have been doing over the past few months its telling me that I need to step back? Maybe he found my blog? So many questions, that will all go unanswered. I knew Azure the longest out of all the men I have known online. He has had relationships with women much longer than me. Why block me now? I think the hardest thing about being ghosted is when you don’t even know why. You end up just racking your brain for reasons.

This is probably my karma due to all that has gone on with the Irish and Southern Gentlemen. I know I have to take a step back from the two of them for a while. I think I need to take a step back from the whole “online” thing in general. There are many reasons why people do what they do, I just I wish I knew what they were. The hardest part about losing a lover is when he is also your friend. Someone who used to think about you and tell you that they cared for you. Was it all bullshit? Is this whole online world just a sea of expendable people? Do we just throw people away at the drop of a hat because it is just so easy to just block and move on?

This may all just be a lesson for me. I lost one of my dearest friends. He gave me no reason. I have nothing to go on. I am completely in the dark on this one. What is it like to be ghosted? It’s utter crap. I know I have done it to other people before, and like I said it’s probably karma. But who knows? The fact is no one will. I have no idea why Azure did what he did, and I might never know. Gosh, you know I wish I had some answers. A goodbye message then a block would have been nice. But nothing. Nada. Just after a year of being someone’s friend, that’s it you are nothing to them. Fuck. That’s heartless.

To all those who have been ghosted, I feel your pain. I will try my best to never to do it to anyone. When it circles around to you it is like a stab in the heart. I wish I knew why. All I want to know is why. I never will know why, will I? Just something I have to live with I suppose.

And the beat goes on.

Stay tuned.

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I Hate Sex and Everything About It.

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no_sexTonight really annoyed the hell out of me. I don’t want to hear about masturbation, I don’t want to hear about sex, I don’t want any goddamn thing to do with it. Call it a phase in my life where I don’t want to hear it, but I just don’t. I don’t want to speak to my boyfriend anymore. He just doesn’t get it. I am so done. I am finished.

Sometimes in life you just have to take a step back. I don’t know what the future will hold. Maybe my sex drive will return and I won’t be so turned off. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like throwing up. I never knew I could feel so sick. I don’t want any part of it. Just leave me alone. Don’t contact me. Don’t fuckin’ bother. You just don’t get it.

I just want to be left alone. I want a man in my life that understands me. I need a man in my life that gets me. I don’t need to feel uncomfortable and get sickened to my stomach. I am so sick right now. I want to throw everything up in my body. I hate sex and everything about it. I hate porn, I hate men I hate it all.

Just go away.

Go the fuck away.

A Little Bit of Sunshine…

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The ongoing Bipolar Wave has its ups and downs. But every now and then there is a little bit of sunshine. Thanks to my bipolar friend in the UK, this shitty day turned out to be a pretty good one. I just wanted to make a positive post for once, since I have been posting so many whiny depressing ones lately. I have had time to sit and think about my time with the Irish Gentleman and I realize that I was just wading in toxicity. That whole situation was bad, and if he hates me now then so be it. At least he can think I am a liar and a cheater, (which isn’t the case at all),  and will get over me much quicker now. You know hate is a strong thing, it can be powerful fuel to the fire and it can make heartbreak seem less potent.

Anyway, on to better things. I think relationships are tough. I know yesterday was a tough therapy session in which I cried. I cried mostly because I am in agony over my disability review, all the things that have been going on in terms of mood, and my basically dead sex drive. Yes my sex drive has plummeted. I think it’s all the stress I have been under. My boyfriend has been most supportive, and I hate to think I am disappointing him. But it’s nice to know that someone doesn’t think of me a certain way and understands how bipolar can really affect someone’s moods. It’s not a medication thing either, I think it’s all in my head. I don’t even thing it’s the sexuality split. I think it is really something more. I have been feeling used by men. I feel like I have been coerced in sexual situations and I have felt very crappy about it.

But you know what there is some light at the end of that tunnel. I was reminded today that I have many people who care about me. I have a lot going in my life, and as new days approach I can say that I am a very lucky woman. I have my wonderful family, and my mom, God what a wonderful woman she is. I don’t think there is anything she wouldn’t do for me. She does so much and looks out for my well-being, and I am going to go all out come Mother’s Day, (which isn’t that far away, I can’t believe how fast 2017 is flying!)

Anyway, if you’re having a crappy bipolar day, open the window. Breathe some fresh Spring air. Winter is behind us now, and hopefully so are those really dark days. You know what would really help? A nice long shower or bath. Wash your hair and let the water just flow over you. Get some sweet-smelling body washes and soaps and finish it off with some wonderful smelling cream, (I suggest anything Bath and Body Works it’s to die for!) Then put on some nice fresh clothes and perhaps burn a candle or put on some incense. My mood has totally shifted. I feel 110% better. Now I am just enjoying the wonderful Spring Air with some fresh eggs and coffee. Life is really grand when you do the little things to take care of yourself. So if you’re having a crap day, just get up and DO something. Anything, it doesn’t matter how small.

*Raises coffee cup*

Hope you are all having a blessed day.

Stay tuned.

Privacy Acts

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To all the ladies and gents on WordPress, I suggest NEVER sharing your blog with other people. You will undoubtedly get backstabbed and haunted by people who you wanted out of your lives. All I know is, I was true to the Irish Gentleman, I even shed tears over him, and for what? To be called a liar and probably a whole list of other names he has for me that he did not want to make public.

Think what you want of me, whoever is reading, but I am a genuine caring person. I JUST got into a relationship TONIGHT. I was never in one when I was with the Irish Gentleman. As a matter of fact I had cut that person out of my life at that point. But we just recently reconciled and made a go of it. I hate to do this to my readers, because it’s nothing but drama, but NEVER SHARE YOUR BLOG WITH ANYONE, EVER. Under no circumstances. I am warning you because this is what happened to me. I got it used against me. I shouldn’t care about what he thinks of me because I am the one that walked away, but it leaves a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We all want our work recognized and appreciated by those we love. What better way to do it than immortalize them in your life on your blog? It may be fun and sweet to do but it’s the wrong thing to do. I don’t care if he hates me. I am glad he does. Now I can let go of all that guilt I was feeling. I am so stupid. I am too giving. I am too forgiving. But I know now how I messed up so my heart is hardened, and I can finally let go.

Goodbye, and don’t worry I WILL NEVER contact you again.

As it Rains, My Soul Redevelops….

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rain

So here I sit. The wonderful thunderstorm outside is the perfect backdrop to the pain in my heart. I have survived “no contact” with the Irish Gentleman, but I will admit I am in a deep amount of pain over him. Sometimes in life we have to let go. We have to let go of the obsession. We have to let go of what’s not good for us.

I want to pray for the right answer. Will God hear me tonight? Will the cosmos and universe align in such a way where my little voice could be heard? We are so small you know. So small, compared to the vastness of the universe. I wonder if the pains of my heart could be heard halfway across the world. I wonder if the pains in my heart could be heard by all the men who have left my life and took a piece of my soul with them. I don’t have all the answers.

I officially have a boyfriend now, and we have an open relationship. This is the only thing keeping me sane and solid in my footing. I cried tonight as I tried to let go of the pains of the past and looked forward to this bright new future with this young man. Too much has happened. It is a quiet period now as most of the men in my life have basically dropped off. Azure and The Literary are nowhere to be found and I don’t know if they will ever resurface. All I know is the heartbreak I feel is undeniable. Was it so bad? Did I make the right decision? The wind howls outside now as my door creaks and cracks. Is that God out there telling me something? Should I look for the signs once again?

Cancer Horoscope for Today, April 4th 2017:

You could be communicating a lot today. This could be the sort of day when you have to write a letter or proposal all of a sudden, or make a short speech to inform others about something new. You’ll enjoy using your language abilities. You have a way with words, so don’t be shy!

Well at least someone thinks so right??!! I will admit I didn’t read my horoscope before I started writing this post. But I think it is spot on because I have my therapy session today so that could be me informing someone of something new. I need a new strategy. Something has got to shake, move, change or just rattle. I need some movement in my life. The inertia and this mundane existence is overwhelming. I want a reason to get up in the morning. I want a reason to live. I feel like I have no purpose, no meaning, no truth. What will my mark on the world be? What will I be remembered for? Is this all pointless? Are all the ups and downs, tears and pain just meaningless? Does it all even matter?

Only God knows.

But I am sure time will tell as well.

Stay tuned.

Goodbye, Obsession.

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despair

Goodbye. Why can’t I let go? Do you feel what I feel? I am in utter torment for the way I ended things. Just an endless circle of pain and despair. My prayers won’t work tonight. I am not under God’s eyes, or in his sight tonight. In the early morning hours, I contemplate my life. No one knows this utter pain I feel deep in my chest. You know how much I love you and want to reach out to you. But something stops me.

I would rather throw you away than have you in my life intermediately.. If I can’t spend every waking hour talking to you, I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to hear that I need to get out of my bed, I need to eat, shower and take care of myself. I don’t want any part of it, I just want you. My obsession is unpalatable. It’s undeniable. I am drunk off you, that not even the strongest liquor in the world can help me.

I am not alone. I keep telling myself that. The Southern Gentleman has ben most helpful as I drown myself in despair over you. I fear you, I fear your anger. I know it’s there, just underneath the surface. My eyes are barely open. I am in a trance, in a daze as the words look all fuzzy on the screen. I am falling deep down the rabbit hole. Pretty soon there will be no reaching me. I cried for you tonight.

I am obsessed, I am lost. But I won’t call you. I won’t go to you.

You have to stay gone. You have to stay out of my life.

Almost. Just almost.

Stay tuned.

An Evaluation. Of Life.

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review

So, I made it over hurdle of my disability review, but everything else in my life is in shambles. The relationships I was forming took a nose-dive as I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever I felt for the Irish Gentleman is gone now. I can’t explain it. He said he would be there for me, but rushes me off the phone so I can “go get myself sorted.” Maybe I just want to spend time with him instead? Whatever he was trying to do for me to take care of myself backfired because I really needed to talk to someone this morning and he basically got rid of me. I don’t need that in my life. I am still not sure if he will ever turn around and yell at me again, and all that hangs over my head. We are just not meant to be with each other and that is that. I am no longer in a position to try because I just can’t anymore.

I reached out to the Southern Gentleman again, and I hope I am doing the right thing. I am going back and forth with these guys because my head is a total mess. I know each of the men in my life care deeply for me, but I don’t know what I can and can’t handle. It all has been too much for me over the past two weeks. Life seems to be going at rocket speed and I just seem to be catching up.

What will happen with this disability evaluation? Will they take it away? I nearly cried in her office when she was interrogating me about what I do all day and how my sleep is, (my followers here should know how that is). Sleep is an absolute disaster for me. I mean I managed to get a handle on it last night, but a couple of nights ago, I was up all night again and all day. I can’t live my life in fear or in solitude. I wish I could make a decent change.

In all honesty, I feel like I am disappointment to the Irish Gentleman and I don’t know why. I don’t want to face it and I don’t want to talk about it. I needed him out of my life for a reason, and whatever feelings I am having is telling me I am doing the right thing. I fear him still, down in my gut. I am afraid of him. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, acting a certain way, even though he says he loves me for me. I can’t handle it. It is just way too much for me. I took the coward’s way out and just left a message and disabled the account. I am really upset over everything. I really don’t know if my disability will be renewed. I don’t know what is going to happen to me and my life.

I wish I just had some answers.

Alas only time will tell.

Stay tuned.

Bipolar Crushing my Existence

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Alone. Again. Sigh. I am so needy and desperate. I have people in my life yes, but I am out of control with the loneliness. I cannot get it satisfied, no matter what I do. These mood swings are undeniable. I feel like I am on a mountain of pain. I feel so utterly alone. I hate being alone. I don’t even want to go into a chat or forum. I don’t want to play a game. I need a job, I want a job. I need to do something with my days.

Alone. It is overwhelming. I don’t want to talk to anyone. No one can help me. I wish I can be alone by myself and be happy. I wish I could find joy in things to occupy my time. This is so stifling. I want to work so badly. I want to find a reason to get up out of bed in the morning. The disability review is coming. They won’t get off their fuckin’ ass and give me an answer already. I just want a part-time job while I wait for the right civil service test to open up. In the meantime, I am alone.

I am so alone, I can’t say it enough. This bipolar bullshit. I hate it. I hate absolutely everything about it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Just die and be nothing to no one. I am at the brink of utter insanity. I am sinking deep back into depression. I hate being alone. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I had a goal in life. This can’t be living. I am better off dead. Why is this happening to me? Why is everyone leaving me? Just leave me alone. You don’t want to be bothered. It’s fine. I am a burden to you all. I am sick of it.  I just want to be seen, I want to be heard. I am tired of being trapped in nothingness. I hate everyone and everything. I am sinking. Sinking to the bottom of the pit of Hell.

I can’t even pray. Can’t even pray for comfort in God, who I found great comfort in at one point. I have no faith, I have no soul. I am at the bottomless mercy in the depths of annihilation. Why won’t I die? Why doesn’t God just take my life? Why do I have to keep going on and on with this pointlessness? I am sick to my stomach. I can’t bear it any longer. I am going to take my own life. It’s the only way. I want it to end. Why won’t it end? You call this a gift? Life is a gift? Is it really? When you are in utter pain and no one hears you, and no one helps you, and no one gives a shit.

No point. No reason to live.

Let’s Talk About a Better Time

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casette tapes

So, as you all know, there was a science behind South Park’s “memberberries.” I am sure you have seen it, but basically you eat one and it brings your back to a time in your childhood where everything was great. You start reminiscing about the good ole’ days with Star Wars, etc, but for me it was Star Trek the Next Generation, (Riker’s beard! Yum!).

And what about this? ‘Member this?

he man gif

What about this?

thundercats

And of course who could forget this:

batman gif

But it begs the question why do we want to go back to a simpler time? Has the responsibilities of the real world hurt us so much? There was talk that the “millennials” have a hard time adapting to the real world because you know when my generation was younger we didn’t get a trophy for “just participating.”: The only way you got a trophy was if you actually won something.

But that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk to about what it was like to play outside with your friends. What it was like to go to a Drive-In and make out. A time where if you got a call from a guy, it was on your answering machine with its one cassette tape. A time that if you made plans with your friends, you would call them up on a landline and agree to meet at a place and ALL of you would show up. None of this bullshit where you hang around and wait for something better to along so you can text someone “sorry I can’t make it” and just break plans at the drop of a hat. I am sorry but this generation sucks. Yeah sure we evolved with our technology but it really hurts us. Do we really need to snap a picture of our meal and post it on Facebook. I mean WTF. Really? (And the only reason I used that acronym was so I don’t drop too many F-bombs). As a matter of fact the way things are now is just one giant F-Bomb.

I can think of so many things that I did that kids are getting robbed of today. Going out and hanging with your friends to laugh and talk, not sit around in a booth at Friday’s and all of you text without talking to each other. I mean why in the hell are you texting someone if you are sitting right across from them? TALK TO THEM! Fuck man. I am so frustrated. People have lost sight of all social skills in this society. Now everyone is just being coddled and everyone is afraid to speak their mind because everything is “politically correct.”  I get that everyone wants equality, I am all for it, but some of the crap out there really gets on my nerves.

But I will digress from that because I don’t want to get negative with this post. This is about a time when things were more “rewarding” and more “fun” in general. Arcades, bookstores, even BlockBuster. Why must you sit and binge a series, why not just stay in suspense and just fucking WAIT for the show. Just WAIT. No one wants to wait anymore. There is ZERO patience out there. People text bomb, call constantly and bang their cable boxes if there is not “instant” fix for a problem. God forbid the internet is out and you have to go outside, OH NO!!! No wi-fi? Time to cry in a corner. God, it’s beyond stupid. Can you honestly live without your phone? Can you go without internet? And I am not absolving myself of these things either. As I am looking at my life thinking about how I was 20 years ago, I was totally happier. I had more fresh air in my lungs. I walked for miles all over Manhattan getting to know people, places and things. I was never home. I barely used my cell phone, as a matter of fact I had a flip phone. I didn’t really get on the internet until I was at least 27. Crazy ain’t it?

So I say go outside. Enjoy life. There are better things on the horizon. I wonder what would happen if we all were robbed of all our technology? Would we all be completely helpless? I would like to give the human species more credit than that. I think we would adapt. I think we would make it. Mesopotamians, Incas, Aztecs, Altantians, and Romans all fell. We will fall too, it will just be a matter of time. Will you be ready?

Stay tuned.

An Old Flame, New Beginnings…

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Internet dating, Valentines day concept.

He named himself “Disturbed” when he messaged “Articulate Lady” in the Adult Chat room. Endless posts of pedophilia and genitalia cams all on display, as the room zooms by, in its filth and den of sin. He messages her. She asks “so what brings you here tonight?” He replies “I am actually not here for anything really, I am just looking for someone. A special woman, the love of my life, although she may not speak to me, I want to know she is okay.” How sweet, “Articulate Lady” thinks to herself.  If only someone cared for me that much, loved me so much that they would come and look for me here, in this room of debauchery, against all possible odds where there are literally thousands of people.

“If only someone loved me so much”, she thought, as “Disturbed” continued to talk about his lost love. How jealous she was that a man could love a woman this much online. “I wish it were me,” she thought. Then he says it, “What is your real name? You may be the one I have been searching for.” Her heart stops. It was him. The Irish Gentleman. The man who has been plaguing her thoughts, dreams, and prayers the last few weeks since they parted. The man she thought was so unstable, she had to change her phone number. Should she tell him who she was? Should she just close the window and disappear into nothingness?

After my last post, I realized how alone I was. How utterly and unbelievably alone I was in this world. I let my sea of despair drown me in booze where my new-found sobriety had been lost yet again; all over guilt and this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. “Take a chance, just take a chance,’ my inner voice screams out to me as I realize it is now or never. I tell the Irish Gentleman who I am and 6 1/2 hours later I realize this man was brought back into my life for a reason. He is meant to be in my life. He is meant to love me, and all this running around I have been doing has been a waste of time.

I know back and forth with the bullshit right? For weeks I have been screaming on my blog for him to leave me alone, gone on with trysts with other suitors and basically gone on with my life. But he found me. In my despair. “I read your blog,” he says. “I just wanted to know if you were okay, I was worried about you, you seemed to be in such pain.” Wow. He hunted me down just to tell me this. Turns out he didn’t want to tell his real feelings to “Articulate Lady” because he didn’t really know that was me. He happened to just answer my call for “interesting and intelligent men” in the Adult Chat (so stupid right?), in which his first message to me was “Good luck finding that in here,” not knowing who I really was. Come to find out, I was EXACTLY who he was looking for.

So what now you ask? Well it’s a new beginning. I am not jumping in head first like I did that last time. He is on meds and taking good care of himself. He absolved me of the guilt and calmed my fears. My faith brought me to him, as I prayed that he would find strength and stay alive. Not only did he make it but he is doing very well for himself. I may not know what is going to happen, but I know I will never be alone again. I have a man in my life who loves me, that can’t live without me, and would have stayed single the rest of his life knowing that he let the one great love in his life go. I am not stupid. I know how this goes. He yelled at me once and I left, without so much as a word. That ended up giving him the push he needed and he got help. Now he is working on himself, just like I am.

Can two crazy psychotics make it in this fucked up world? We shall see.

Stay tuned.